Hot Springs, Hot Hair, Ho'damn!

Awright, champs, I'm back. And because of my habit of neglecting to tell of my adventures for a week+ at a time, thus building them up like some sort of unstoppable, pressing force that just...gets forgotten...I'm going to tell you up front what we got on the schedule for today, partly to give you a preview, but more so that I don't neglect my duty any more than I already have.

AGENDA

7:30 - rise

7:35 - oral hygeine

7:45 - calesthenics

8:10 - breakfast (meagre)

THEN - toufa (hair)

11:45 - mild tea

11:55 - slightly stronger tea

12:15 - stronger still - WHAT IS IT WITH THIS PLACE

12:25 - huffily retire

THEN - hot springs

THEN - the future.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that last week, as a prelude to night of theater, I went 'n' got my hair did. Yeah, you heard that here first. And yes, it was probably a lot like prom, only they manage to cut the two-hour process down to about ten minutes. These guys are masters. And they have half-mohawks.

See, a lot of young Chinese guys are really into dying their hair this vivid chestnut brown and puttin' it up. I can't say I'm 100% there, but it's got a certain pull. A certain...irresistible pull. And so:

There I was, in the chair, praying (a little) that this wasn't some sort of neo-Sweeney Todd establishment that would leave my scalp forever bald and blackened, and (mostly) that the end result was going to be something I could take with me to dinner. I'm in a rush now (I'm planning on leaving for Hanoi in about two hours - story for another time, aka in two weeks) so there's not much editing going on, but if I were to rewrite that last sentence I would do so such that the newer version did not seem to suggest that I intend to date my haircut.

Anyway, after much curling and tufting and tousling and spraying...

Ah, I wish. Although this the real one's just as cool, really. I PROMISE.

See the fear in my eyes?! You can't tell, but my hair is rock-hard. Like, bike helmet status.

Anyway, all this looking totally rude had me a little tired and in need of some relaxation, so I and a few friends took the weekend to go to Anning, to bask in their renowned potentially-natural hot springs.

I don't have pictures, unfortunately, but sight wasn't really the sense you were supposed to prioritize here.

And, to be honest, neither was - do we say 'feel'? that sounds so much like a bad chinese-english translation I don't know to trust myself - 'feel', by far the most exciting stimuli at Anning were the smells. Because these guys know how to run hot springs: none of that nasty sulfur, give us some menthol. Or some skittles lime flavor. Yeah, just what I was looking for. The complex was made up of a hillside of small pools, each with it's own trademark scent. The flavors ranged from the sexy (rose), to the not-so-much (poop, although I'm pretty sure this was not the intent of the establishment, merely the unfortunate consequence of toddlers and excitement), to somewhere in the middle (milk).

I wish I could give you a picture of myself using natural white-man camoflauge to conceal myself in the milk pool, but alas, as mentioned before, no pictures.

I'm going to have to leave you hanging like that, as now we get to the part I above labelled "the future". This grand future is my coming trip to 东南亚, or Southeast Asia, a trip that will have me sprinting through Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand. Wish me luck!

And until then...

再见！

Culture Shocks, Shocking Socks, Something that Rhymes with Shocks and Socks

I'm writing to all of you readers from the eye of the storm - perhaps one of the only sunny days amidst more than two weeks of almost incessant rain. It is, I believe, a textbook example of that perennial Southeast Asian rainy season deluge that I conveniently chose to pretend didn't exist for residents of the "Spring City" - the local nickname for Kunming. My weather widget shows a clean line of rain images for today through Friday, although on Thursday we'll mix it up with a bit o' lightning. GET PSYCHED.

However, I don't want to give the impression that these few weeks are a miserable time - CONTRARILY, the rain just makes my favorite coffee shops all the more inviting, and our lives here at Yunda are really as comfortable as ever. When the rain drops suddenly out of a previously graying but voiceless sky and you happen to be passing the Prague Cafe, it's the perfect excuse to duck in and treat yourself to a Western breakfast-for-lunch and a little bootleg Planet Earth.

But, when the weather is nice, and you should be seizing your only opportunity in the foreseeable future to wash and dry your by now thrice-worn clothes (the moldy socks hanging from the tree beside my dorm provide a constant reminder of the dangers of rainy-week drying), there's only one activity you can imagine doing: buying things! It's time to 买东西, to exercise that good ol' American consumer muscle that is rapidly becoming a part of the Chinese cultural physique.

Today, I and a few friends went prowling for purchases, trolling for trinkets, ogling objects, etc. at the 花鸟市场，or Bird and Flower Market. While it still boasts a veritable smorgasbord (really, now? 'Menagerie' would be much more appropriate) of pets for purchase, including turtles, mice, break-your-heart puppies and birds of, well, a lot of birds, it is also THE place in Kunming to buy baubles, colorful clothing, swords, scarves, possible jade, and just about any smoking paraphernalia you can imagine (tobacco remains Yunnan's top annual export, and is one of the foci of the local economy).

Mostly, though, it's a great place to go and practice bartering. Thanks to some previous training (thanks Hang) I know the general technique: let them tell you their initial price, and then their "special for you price" - always a good deal lower than the original, and then their "lowest possible price" - now we're getting there - before you begin with the back and forth of gradually equalizing suggestions. When you've found a price you're not happy going above, you inform them in no uncertain terms that were they to offer it at that price, you will 肯定，肯定！buy it. Then, as they insist it is too low, you shrug your shoulders, turn away, and... "好！" If it weren't such a reliable system, it wouldn't be so much fun, but it really makes a nice afternoon game. Of course, the price you arrive it is in all likelihood still a little high(especially if you are me), but what do you know - at least it's half of what they said the first time. Definite win-win...win.

My favorite purchase, however, was not bargained for - it was bought at one of the many bootleg DVD shops around Yunda's campus. And no, it isn't the aforementioned Planet Earth - being downloaded from the internet at low resolution and thrown onto some definitely-not-'Blue-ray'-despite-what-the-case-says discs does terrible things to some of the more stunning shots. My best buy is a copy of Fantasia 2000.

Yes, I have heard that it really wasn't the first, and no, I have yet to actually watch it. But this DVD is a wonderful example of the ingenuity/obliviousness/what-the-hell of the Chinese bootleg DVD market. Here is what the cover looks like:

Not, bad, right? But let me just turn it over for you, and tell you how it all goes down. The reverse side appears fairly commonplace - it features several screenshots, as well as a summary, scene index, and a positive review. But closer inspection reveals that the summary references not Disney's visually appealing joining of classical music and animation, but the "handsome and brash Captain James T. Kirk" and his mission to (of course) "boldly go where no man has gone before." The Chinese summary I haven't managed to translate fully, but definitely mentions a king and the year 1940. A little research revealed that the scene index is in fact from the 2000 Kirsten Dunst Romance-flashback movie Deeply, and the review, which states that this "beautiful, startlingly audacious, and often very funny" film "will make you feel deeply about love and war," - which can not possibly refer to any of the previously mentioned films, with the possible exception of the yet-to-be-identified Chinese flick, - is a review for A Very Long Engagement.

The more observant of you may even have noticed a trio of McDonald's arches on the sleeve cover. But that is nothing, however, compared to the treasure inside:

There it is, all dolled-up in M's like it's some sort of fantastic happy meal prize. And of course: Blue-ray. Gotta be lovin' it.

A Brief History of Late September

Hey there team. Time for round four. And this time, I promise there shall be pictures.

Since it's been about three weeks since I last hinted as to my "happs" I figure I'll go ahead and break 'em off with a little preview of the remix...or, rather, a summary.

When last we met I was midway through September and fresh off my encounter with a local delicacy. I can tell you that not long after that I came face to face with another of China's "特菜", or specialty foods: the dreaded, infamous, more-rubbery-than-you-would-expect chicken toes. Verdict: better than the eye, but that is certainly hurtling a very lowered bar.

But, but, butbutbut! I don't want to spend this time talking about the food I have eaten, will eat, or any ensuing processes. I wanna bust out the photey-photes.

Last weekend I journeyed with several of my classmates and their roommates to Xishan (which translates simply as West Mountain), the mountain right outside Kunming's Western (surprise?) city limits. It's pretty great. Aside from it's numerous restaurants and hostels that guarantee a fun-filled weekend trip, as well as the universal accessibility granted by an auto road and chairlift, Xishan boasts a scattered collection of pagodas and the Dragon Gate, a complex and overlapping temple complex (did he just use that word twice in this sentence?) that if you wander long enough would be sure to give you some kind of complex (well, that was unnecessary). But I digress too far into poor linguistic play. I would rather this not be a display of the gradual shrinking of the English part of my brain, but rather a chance for me to put up some images like ohmygodcheckthatout.

Maybe that's actually a little small, but you've got the city there, as well as a whole lotta Dian Chi (the lake). It certainly is breathtaking, but the color of the water really is too good to believe - it's more likely due to extreme pollution than to any magical natural qualities of Yunnan water. From atop Xishan, you can watch the boats as they paint strange murals on the lake with the dark red algae and muck that their wake draws up from the depths. It's pretty, pretty bittersweet.

Continuing on from the Dragon Gate, the terrain quickly becomes harsh and moonlike - apparently a product of the beautiful natural process known as acid rain. After scrambling about on jagged outcroppings for a good half our and getting only about a third of the way into the moonscape, we called it quits, but not before snapping a few more photos.

That right there is the future - the many mountains I shall cli - er, summit (they better have chairlifts) - after Xishan.

And no, I didn't take the chairlift up, but who was I to say no to a little trip down relaxation lane on my... my trip down the mountain... lane.

That's really it for now. The rest is dumplings, failed bike journeys, and, of course, Karaoke.

But wait a second, here. Let's talk Karaoke, or as it's known here, KTV. Why do Americans have to go to Koreatown to find this? It's great! I mean, in China it's pretty fun, but the fact that you are definitely not in Kansas does pose problems for your average expat. First off: the majority of songs are Chinese (so surprise). A lot of them are catchy, and in fact "legitimate jams", but I can only read characters so fast. Luckily Chinese pop songs stick to very strict rhyming schemes, so even if I mumble through the first part of the line I can belt out the last syllable. "mmfdmfdmm bai, mgmmmgmmgm lai, mfmdmfmmfmmd gai, mfmdfmdmfmdmm aiiiiiiiii!"

The second problem is in the selection of American hits these KTV places tend to offer. There's your expected Beatles hits, some Michael Jackson ("Liberian Girl", really?), and something by Rod Stewart you've never heard of. Moving into my own childhood there's ample NSync, Britney, etc. to keep you going, but when you move a little farther forward it gets real messy. The Chinese people seem to have an odd fascination with Rihanna, and a sort of knowledge gap when it comes to several of my personal favorites. It's hard not to be disappointed when the only thing by R. Kelly is two separate versions of "Hair Braider" - what's a man to do if he wants a little Ignition(Remix)?

Okay, really, now I'm done.